?

Log in

Candid Critics

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
apocalypse2012 @ 04:36 pm: Satire Project
Introduction for the Beneit of Mrs. Harvilchuck
This story intends to parody the many cliches of fantasy literature. If one is not familiar with fantasy, much of the humor may be lost. However, due to the recent popularity of The Lord of the Rings, at least some of the [pitiful attempts at] humor should make some degree of sense.
The story is essentially meant to represent a sprawling, overly protracted three-part opus contracted into a short story. Thus, the author knowingly skip over many of the less important details of the characters' journey; this is meant in part to satirize the needless length and excruciating detail of many fantasy novels (as any reader of Tolkien will acknowledge).
As a rule, any name with more than one apostrophe is deliberately unpronouncable. Seriously, don't even try. Even I don't know how to pronounce them. Many of them were created by simple hitting random keys, then adding apostrophes and vowels where neccessary. "Gwelfgwin" is pronounced phonetically, as is Jasmalonia. The others shouldn't present much of a problem.
This piece is rated PG for mild profanity and mild sexual references.


The barbarian Kagh'Sogh'Hig from the frozen land of Frostlandwinterplace paused and sniffed the air.
"I smell a dragon," he grumbled.
"Wherefore?" inquired Haglin, the wise and wizened wizard. "I shall use my magic and turneth it into a frog!"
"'Tis Myrmadon, the Dark Wise Dragon of Impending Doom, who guardeth the Dark Cave of Mystery," said Gwelfgwin the handsome blonde-haired elven archer, who despite living in a technologically challenged feudal society seemed to know quite a lot.
"We must proceedeth with cautioneth," warned Haglin. "Myrmadon can breathe fire that can melt the strongest metals. I know, because I'm a wizard."
"How can we ever destroy him?" piped in the dashing young hero Tobias, with a flip of his gorgeous yet rugged chestnut hair and a flex of his manly biceps.
"The only way to destroy him is with the magical enchanted sword Fanglin, which is located in an underwater cave guarded by the dreaded Deep Sea FanglyFish," explained Haglin.
"How knowest thee that helpful and uncanny information?" asked Gwelfgwin.
"Because I am a wizard, thou basest jackanapes!"
"How," asked Tobias of the Large and Manly Cleft Chin, "shall I fetch the sword, slaughtereth the beast, and go on to marry a blonde princess and become a royal courtier, living out the rest of my days in fortune and fame?"
"Holdeth on," said Gwelfgwin. "Who says he gets the fame and fortune?"
"Because," said Tobias in his deep, manly voice, "I'm the hero. The dashing, handsome, manly hero. And that means that even though you get to come on the quest and use your special Elf powers, I get the sword, the loot, and the princess."
"No, it's because you're human, and I'm not, you specieist scum! I'm just as manly and attractive as you are!"
"Yeah, sure you are, pretty-boy! Look at me, I'm an elf! Prancey prancey prance!"
"That's it," said Gwelfgwin. "Have at it, you coward!" The elf drew his bow, since elves are always archers, and Tobias drew his broadsword, as dashing young heroes always carry broadswords.
"Silence, or I'll turn you both into toads!" cried Haglin. "Now, we must embarketh on this side quest, to supplementeth our greater quest, to slay the dragon Myrmadon, which is in turn part of the greatest quest of all, to destroy all darkness."
"Darkness, for sooth," grumbled Kagh'Sogh'Hig. "Let's just kill the dragon, so I can take my share of the loot and get the hell out of here. I'm scheduled to kill a troll next week."
"Onward," cried Gwelfgwin, "to the sea cave!"
    So they journeyed onward across mountains, forests, and grasslands, and in a few chapters crossed approximately the amount of land that it had previously taken them a book and a half to traverse in order to reach Myrmadon’s cave. In time, they reached the great Sea of Ghij'Quer'Tyr.
"Listen up," said Haglin. "We must defeat the monster, and..."
"No," said the dark and brooding Kagh'Sogh'Hig, who had not spoken for several sentences. "I will do this alone. Since it is convenient in the plot, I will now reveal that it was the dreaded Deep Sea FanglyFish that took my eye, and I must have my revenge."
"Wait just a minute," said Tobias. "I'm the hero, and since it is I who must wieldeth ye Sword of Magic, I should be the one to take it from the sea-beast."
"But this is the climactic moment of my revenge!" argued Kagh'Sogh'Hig. "And besides, you get to do everything. We're just your pawns in your little quest for power. Gwelfgwin was right; you are a speciest!"
"But you're a human, too!" argued Tobias.
"Well, racist, then. Racist and speciest." Kagh'Sogh'Hig held his club menacingly above his head. "I'll kill you, as I am a barbarian, and therefore uncivilized!"
"Silence!" cried Haglin. "I shall not have fighting among my band of adventurers! Now, we will fight the Deep Sea FanglyFish together, as a team, so that everyone's happy."
"Fine," grumbled Kagh'Sogh'Hig.
So Haglin, using his wizard powers, turned the great, sharp, pointy rocks into toads, and thus he parted the sea with his magical wizard-stick. They descended into the undersea rock cave, which conveniently contained air. Suddenly, without warning, there was a great gurgling fishy sound, and from the depths rose a great fish with a gleaming bioluminescent light dangling from its head. It had myriad rows of fangoriously sharp and pointy teeth, and empty, soulless eyes- after all, how could a villain have any purpose in life but to gnash its teeth and try to kill our heroes?
"Quickly, and with haste!" cried Tobias. "I shall leadeth us into battle! Yaaaaaah!" he cried, in a manner that would put Howard Dean to shame. However, all Kagh'Sogh'Hig could see was the shiny light.
"Ooo, shiny!"
"Kagh'Sogh'Hig, no!" cried Gwelfgwin, but it was too late.
"Nooooo!" cried Tobias as the Deep Sea FanglyFish swallowed Kagh'Sogh'Hig. "Hey, wait a minute! Kagh'Sogh'Hig isn't supposed to die! He's a freaking main character." Haglin reached into his pouch and removed a strange white paper. He adjusted his spectacles and read it closely.
       "No, no," he said. "He was actually supposed to die in Chapter Twenty-Two, but the point is, he was supposed to die."
       "Hey, what is that?" asked Gwelfgwin.
       "Uh, nothing, nothing at all!" Haglin quickly stashed the paper in his pouch.
       "Tell me, you heretic jackanapes, or I'll poke you with this stick!" threatened Gwelfgwin, picking up a sea-twig.
        "Oh, fine," said Haglin. "Since I, being a wizard, am all-knowing and such, I have access to the outline. You see, the outline is the general plan of what happens to us. And you can't see it."
"Why not?" asked Tobias. "I want to know if I die."
  "You won't die, I promise," said Haglin. "You're the hero slash main character, so you can't die."
"But what of myself?" asked Gwelfgwin. "I'm a crappy, useless secondary character!"
            "Damn straight you are," said Tobias.
      "Look," said Haglin, "You'll just have to find out later."
       "But..." Gwelfgwin began.
      "And if you look to your right," said Haglin calmly, "you will see that we are about to be devoured by a fangorious Deep Sea FanglyFish."
            "Oh, crap, I almost forgot," said Tobias, drawing his manly broadsword. "Have at thee, thou cowardly rogue!" He waved his eighty-pound sword about as a child would wave a stick. "I shall slay thee!" He attempted to slash the fish, but its scales, of course, were too hard, and the blade was smashed to pieces.
           "That's a stroke of bad luck," said Gwelfgwin. "Let me try." He aimed his arrow straight at the fish's eye. However, as he shot, the fish turned, and the arrow, too, was shattered. He shot arrow after arrow, but none prevailed, and soon his quiver was empty.
           "Crap! Now we are without weapons, and I shall die an untimely death!" cried Tobias. The Deep Sea FanglyFish drew closer, its fangs reflecting the sunlight that somehow was able to filter through the rocks into the cave. Gwelfgwin and Tobias closed their eyes and braced themselves for the cold steely jaws of death. Suddenly, there was a tremendously blinding flash, and the fish's growling halted abruptly, giving way to froglike croaking sounds. Tobias, who had been cowering on the floor in a fetal position, gingerly opened an eye.
           "What the..." Standing before Tobias and Gwelfgwin was not a hideous sea-creature, but a small, green, wart-covered toad.
"You can thank me later," said Haglin behind them. Tobias and Gwelfgwin turned.
            "What...the...you...huh?" stammered Gwelfgwin.
            "I turned it into a toad. I can do that, you know," replied Haglin coolly.
            "You what?" demanded Gwelfgwin. "You almost let us die, when you could have just turned it into a freaking toad?! We did all that fighting for nothing!"
           "Yes, well...yes," said Haglin. "You see, I had to create dramatic tension, so…”
           "Ha!" cried Tobias, and Haglin and Gwelfgwin turned. Tobias had skewered the toad on what remained of his broadsword. "I did it! I defeated the Deep Sea FanglyFish!"
           "Congratulations, young warrior!" said Haglin.
           "What? He… he didn't... YOU killed it!" cried Gwelfgwin.
           "No, actually, I just turned it into a frog. He killed it," replied Haglin. "Now, upon a pedestal in yonder corner is the great magical sword Fanglin. Take it, Tobias, and you shall be revered as the greatest hero who ever lived!” Tobias approached the sword, which was glowing with magical power, and reached out. He pulled it out of the pedestal.
    “Ha!” he exclaimed smugly. “I am now officially the greatest warrior who ever lived!”
    “Oh great warrior!” said a female voice, and out of the shadows sauntered a dark-haired woman. She was scantily dressed in some sort of chain mail bikini, with very tall leather boots, and carried a monstrous broadsword, which she was able to wield effortlessly, despite the fact that she weighed approximately 105 pounds. “You have slaughtered the Deep Sea FanglyFish!”
    “Who are you?” asked Tobias, who was drawn to her otherworldly beauty (women in fantasy novels are always pretty, of course).
    “I am Jasmalonia, a great woman warrior who was imprisoned by the Deep Sea FanglyFish.”
    “If you’re such a ‘great warrior’, why couldn’t you just slay it yourself?” asked Gwelfgwin. Jasmalonia paused for a moment.
    “I... uh… geez, I don’t know!”
    “What do you mean you don’t know?” demanded Gwelfgwin. “There has to be a reason!” Haglin took out the outline and examined it.
    “It’s not in here,” said Haglin.
    “What meanest thou?” asked Gwelfgwin, reverting back to Middle English, which the author appeared to have abandoned.
    “This looks to me like a classic example of a plot hole,” said Haglin.
    “A what?” asked Tobias, finally turning his gaze from Jasmalonia.
    “A plot hole. Sometimes things happen that can never be wholly explained in the outline or anywhere else.”
    “Oh,” said Jasmalonia. “Well, anyway, now that I have been rescued, I shall join your merry band of adventurers. I can fight as well as any man, for I am a progressive feminist woman!”
    “Wait just a minute,” said Gwelfgwin. “If we’re living in a technologically challenged feudal society, why is she a feminist?”
    “Silence!” said Haglin. “Don’t question these things! Now onward, to slay the dragon Myrmadon!”
    And so they traversed fields and mountains again, having various side-plot adventures that are too tiresome and repetitive to elaborate upon. Eventually our heroes ended up in the Great Forest of Krepal’Non’Fang’Lor.
    “Careful now,” warned Haglin. “This forest is full of thieves lurking in the shadows, ready to swoop down and attack.”
    Right on cue, a tremendous, high-pitched “Yah!” was heard as some person swooped down from the trees on a vine, landing in front of our heroes. This thief was female, skinny, and blonde, and wore the traditional lincoln-green garb that thieves always seem to wear.
    “Ha-ha!” she laughed. “Give me any random, extremely useful maps or unassuming items that happen to be magical that you’re carrying!”
    “We don’t have any,” said Haglin calmly.
    “Nonsense!” said the thief. “You have to!”
    “We have gold,” said Gwelfgwin. “And jewels, and a few rich textiles as well.”
    “Ha! Worthless!” exclaimed the thief. “I only steal plot devices!”
    “Plot devices?” asked Jasmalonia. Haglin removed the outline once again, and proceeded to examine it thoroughly.
    “Apparently, we haven’t got any plot devices in our bags,” said Haglin. “However, according to the outline, you have a random extremely useful map in your pocket, and you’re supposed to join our quest to slay the dragon Myrmadon.” The thief reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment.
    “Hey, you’re absolutely right!” she exclaimed. “Why, of course I’ll join you!”
    “Wait just a minute!” Jasmalonia protested. “We can’t have two strong, progressive female characters!”
    “Sure we can,” said Haglin.
    “She’s right,” said Gwelfgwin. “I’m sick of all his crap! Jasmalonia and that thief person are just the same character in different clothes!”
    “Not exactly,” said Haglin. “You see, Jasmalonia exists for the sake of having a strong female character. However, the thief has a deeper purpose.”
    “What?” asked Gwelfgwin. “None of this makes sense! Nothing makes sense! I’ll bet that thief is a… a princess in disguise!”
    “Silence!” hissed Haglin. “No more of this,” he said to the band of heroes. “What is your name, thief?”
    “I am Buttercup,” said the thief.
    “Buttercup? What kind of name is that for a thief?” questioned Gwelfgwin. “That sounds like the name of a prin…”
    “Silence!” yelled Haglin, his magical staff emitting a bluish glow. “Now onward, to slay Myramadon!”
    “Go on, get it over with so I can go home,” said Gwelfgwin.

    And so they didst journeyeth many miles...eth..., having even more banal and repetitive peripheral adventures. Eventually, many, many, many pages of faux-archaic prose and long-winded scenery descriptions later, they finally came to the Mountains of Peril. Also, there was some form of attempt at forging chemistry between Tobias and Buttercup, but it didn't exactly work out, and what transpired in the novel's text was so cringe-inducing to read that to transcibe it here would be no less than sadistic.
    At the Mountains of Peril, they came to the Dungeon of Myrmadon, which was, as one would expect, dark and fomidable, with a huge, spiky gate inscribed with the letters, "DOOM awaits thee in the dungeon of Myrmadon. DOOM I SAY!!!! Signed, Lord Voldengöth, LORD OF THE DARK THINGS."
    "The looks like a pleasant place." Gwelfgwin rolled his eyes.
    Haglin adjusted his specatacales and examined the map they had taken  from Buttercup. "Hmm... according to this map, we should reach the dungeon soon." He looked up. "Ah, here we are!"
    "Who is this Lord Voldengöth?" asked Tobias.
    "Lord Voldengöth! What do you mean, who is Lord Voldengöth? Didn't you pay attention in History?"
    "I was more of a jock, actually."
    "Ah, it seems I need to recount to you the hideous dark tale of Lord Voldengöth." said Haglin.
    Gwelfgwin groaned. "Oh, god, I see an info-dump coming on."
    "A what?" asked Jasmalonia, who had not spoken for several paragraphs.
    "It's where I tell basically tell you guys, in detail, in a long, long speech, what you should know already, for the benefit of the reader."
    "Ah."
    "Thus shall I begin," said Haglin. "Long ago, in the Olden Tymes, there was a righteous king descended from Elves. His name was King Sigfried, and his brother, Bob, was pure evil."
    "Wait, Bob?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "Yes, Bob." Haglin continued. "Bob hated Sigfried with a passionate, burning hatred. Why, you ask? Because Bob was EVIL. So, he became a Dark Lord by playing with dark magic of darkness, and conspiring with an army of dark elves and dark goblins and other dark things, and so he became LORD OF THE DARK THINGS. He then changed his name to Lord Voldengöth."
    "Why change his name?" asked Gwelfgwin. "Does Voldengöth mean something in Goblinish or something?"
    "Um, no," answered Haglin. "I think he just made that name up."
    "Why?"
    "Does "Bob" sound very evil to you?"
    "Well, no."
    "Exactly. Lord Voldengöth sounds menacing and dark. Plus, it has an umlaut. What's not menacing or dark about an umlaut?"
    "Fair enough."
    "Anyways, moving on, the Lord Voldengöth was banished from the kingdom by Sigfried, who died mysteriously soon after. Ever since, Lord Voldengöth has been in this dungeon, plotting his heinous revenge upon the world. Oh, and his dragon's been causing some trouble in some local villages, which is why we're here."
    "So, why didn't anyone tell us about this Voldengöth guy in the first place?" asked Tobias.
    "It's supposed to be a turning point in the plot. I mean, we could  just slay the dragon and be done with it, but we're already on the second book in the series, and there has to be third book. Fantasy always comes in trilogies."
    "When will the madness end!" exclaimed Gwelfgwin.
    "Anyways..." Haglin examined the outline. "Ah, yes, things should be falling into line right about... now."
    "Wait, what?" asked Gwelfgwin. right on cue, a huge black bat-lizard swooped out of nowhere and landed in front of our heroes. Mounted on it was a figure wearing completely non-copyright-infringing head-to-toe spiky armor and brandishing a mace.
    "I am Lord Voldengöth, Lord of the Dark things! How dare you tresspass on my domain?" His voice was muffled, deepened, and amplified by his oversized, spiky helmet.
    "I am Tobias, Slayer of Dragons..."
    "Wait," said Haglin, "you can't call yourself that yet, you haven't slain a dragon yet."
    "But I'm going to."
    "It's the rules!"
    "Fine, fine." Tobias held the great sword Fanglin on high and proclaimed, "I am Tobias, slayer of fish-creatures, here to defeat the dragon Myrmadon!"
    "No one defeats the minions of Lord Voldengöth! BUAhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!"
    "That guy has a nice evil laugh," said Gwelfgwin to Buttercup. She nodded in agreement.
    Lord Voldengöth's bat-lizard took off from the ground and flew upward, hovering in front of the afternoon sun to create a stunning silhouette. After everyone had stared in awe and the author of this novel had spent three pages describing the image in excruciating detail, the bat-lizard swooped down again, grasping Buttercup in its talons. She screamed.
    "Oh my god! Help me!"
    "I shall save you, maiden!" cried Tobias, jumping and swinging his sword at the bat-lizard; but he could not reach it, as it could fly and he could not.
    "BUAhahahahahaha!!!!" laughed Lord Voldengöth, as he and his bat-lizard dissappeared over the tops of the Mountains of Peril.
    "Gasp!\He's got Buttercup!" exclaimed Tobias.
    "No, really? I never would have guessed," said Gwelfgwin.
    "Silence!" cried Haglin. "We must formulate a Plan of Action. Luckily, I still have Buttercup's map. The plot has thickened. Now we have two villains to defeat. Listen closely. The Dungeon of Myrmadon is sealed with magical runes, and only the Bearer of the Great Sword Fanglin can enter. So, Tobias is on his own with Myrmadon. Which, of couse, makes sense, as he has a personal qualm with Myrmadon.
    "I do?" asked Tobias. Haglin glared at him. "Oh, oh, right. Ahem." He cleared his throat and turned towared the dungeon entrance. "Myrmadon killed my brother," he mumbed broodingly. "I WILL AVENGE YOU, OSWIN!!!!!!!" he cried, falling on his knees dramatically and shaking his fist. He stood back up and drew his sword. "I must go," he said to his companions. "If I don't come out..."
    "You will," interrupted Haglin. "You're the main character, you can't die."
    "Gee, thanks for ruining my moment," said Tobias. "As I was saying, if I don't come out... tell Buttercup... I love her." He approached the gate and held Fanglin high. The gates groaned and opened of their own volition, closing behind him as he passed through. He dissappeared into the mist.
    "Wait, how does he love Buttercup?" asked Gwelfgwin. "Have they even exchanged two words in the last few chapters? I'm really not sensing any chemistry, and..."
    "Silence!" said Haglin. "Now, listen up. While Tobias slays Myrmadon, it's up to you two to infiltrate Lord Voldengöth's lair. According to the Outline, Tobias will be rescuing Buttercup in the process of slaying Myrmadon. Now, Lord Voldengöth's soul is imprisoned in a glass orb conveniently located in his office, which is on the top floor of that menacing citadel." Haglin pointed to a tall, spiky building that loomed menacingly in the near distance."
    "Where did that come from?" asked Jasmalonia.
    "It's been there," answered Haglin. "Now, you two will have to make your way through the perils of his lair. I would suggest splitting up."
    "Why?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "Because I said so."
    "And what will you be doing?" asked Jasmalonia.
    "Um... Wizard things."
    "Wizard things?" Gwelfgwin raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you come with us?"
    "Because," said Haglin exasperatedly, "this is the part where the wizard always dissappears and leaves you mortal folk on your own. I'll be back toward the end, don't worry."
    "Wait just a minute, is this going to be another deus ex machina like last time?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "Um... good luck you two!" Haglin vanished in a puff of smoke.
    "Oh, great," sighed Gwelfgwin. "I guess we're on our own."
    "Look, elfy boy," said Jasmalonia, jiggling her breasts defiantly, "just because we're stuck alone together doesn't mean anything's going to happen, for I am a progressive feministic female character, and I am no man's sexual object!"
    "Um.... I'm really not interested in you that way..." said Gwelfgwin.
    "Suuure, that's what they all say," snapped Jasmalonia. "All you male characters ever do is stare at my chest!"
    "Well, you know, maybe if you didn't prance around in a leather bikini and fishnets, we wouldn't have this problem."
    Jasmalonia glared. "Yeah... well... still!"
    Gwelfgwin glanced at the citadel. "Maybe we should get going."
    "Yes, of course," said Jasmalonia, drawing her sword. "Onward!"
   
    And so the two of the crossed various rocks and hills until they reached the front door of the citadel.

    "You'd think this place would have a gate or something," said Gwelfgwin.
    "It's magically sealed, twerp," said Jasmalonia. "Don't you know anything?"
    Gwelfgwin rolled his eyes. "Don't start with me, I'm over 300 years old."
    Jasmalonia, ignoring Gwelfgwin, examined the door and threw a rock at it. Nothing happened. She gingerly turned the knob; it opened easily.
    "Well,  maybe it's NOT magic," she said. "Anyways, let's get going. We must make haste!"
    Thus did they enter the atrium of Lord Voldengöth's lair. It was a large, spacious room, furninshed with black marble and dark granite and lit by torches. It appeared to be fung-shui'd. At a large, marble-topped desk made of dark wood, there sat a rather sour-looking orc, who upon further inspection could be identified as female. Her hair consisted of snakes, which attempted to wriggle against the bonds of her very tight, no-nonsense hairstyle. She wore a sensible floral blouse and half-moon glasses.
    "Do you have an appointment?" she asked our heroes.
    "N.."
    "Yes!" Jasmalonia interrupted Gwelfgwin. "We're uh... janitors here to clean the Dark Lord's chambers." The orc receptionist narrowed her eyes.
    "You don't look like janitors."
    "We are!" said Gwelfgwin. "Honest!"
    "What are you names?" she asked.
    "Um... my name is Eg," said Gwelfgwin.
    "You look like an elf," said the receptionist. "We don't allow any wood elves past the front office, it's standard policy."
    "I'm a dark elf!" said Gwelfgwin.
    "No, no you are not," said the receptonist in her slow, dull baritone. "Your companion looks dark-elf-ish to me, what with the skanky chain mail and all. Go right ahead, miss, the elevator's to your left." She pointed a gnarled finger toward a shiny black door labeled "elevator".
    "Why is there an elevator?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "The Dark Lord has bad knees," said the receptionist.
    Jasmalonia walked over to the elevator and pushed the button. The doors opened. Gwelfgwin started to walk over to her.
    "And where do you think YOU're going?" asked the receptionist.
    "Look, lady, if you think..."
    The receptionist narrowed her eyes and snapped her moldy, yellow-nailed fingers. A troll with a club came through the doorway opposite the elevator.
    "Oh, great," mumbled Gwelfgwin. The troll grunted.
    "You may wait over there." The receptionist pointed to a chair. Gwelfgwin grudgingly sat down on it. It was cold, rigid and uncomfortable.

    Jasmalonia took the elevator to the top floor. She exited into a large room, the walls of which were lined with bookshelves filled with old, dusty volumes. In the middle of the room was a stand, upon which was a large red orb that glowed menacingly.
    "Well, this must be it," she said to herself. She approached the orb, reaching out to touch it. As she did, it flashed; she pulled her hand back.
    "Well, well, well." Jasmalonia froze. She knew that voice."Welcome to my lair." She turned around slowly to see no other than the Dark Lord Voldengöth standing before her. She drew her sword.
    "You days are numbered, Volden-dork," she said.,
    "That's Lord Voldengöth to you!" said the Dark Lord, his mace emitting a bluish glow. "I am your master! Bow before me!"
    "I have no master!" snarled Jasmalonia.
    "You do now, slave!" Lord Voldengöth waved his mace in the air. There was a loud groan as one of the walls turned, revealing another room. "Behold my torture chamber!"
    Jasmalonia approached the entryway and looked around. The room was dungeon-like, made of dark stone and lit with a few torches and candles. There was a large standing rack against one of the walls, and in the middle was a stone table. The walls were hung with various whips, floggers, cats of nine tails, paddles, and leather straps. There were some ropes on the table, and the rack was equipped with chains.
    "That's not much of a torture chamber," said Jasmalonia. "None of that stuff looks all that painful. Where's the iron maiden? Or the rack? Or anything remotely deadly? Look, your whips don't even have any sharp fragments on them!"
    "It's not THAT kind of torture chamber." The Dark Lord removed his menacing helmet. He was young-looking, with long black hair, ice-blue eyes, and a strong chin. Jasmalonia's eyes widened.
    "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a minute. If you think there's ANY WAY..."
    "You have to. It's the way things work! We're both attractive characters with dark tendencies. Plus, you're too asexual and man-hating. You have to be seduced; it's just how it is. Plus, look how hot and gothic I am!" He flipped his raven hair. "Besides, with your tough persona, we all know you like BDSM."
    "No way! I refuse to be a sexual object! I am a progressive female character! There's no way I'm being a sub in a BDSM sex scene! Period!"
    "It's obligatory! Every dark, mature, adult-oriented fantasy has to involve BDSM! Besides, I'm sexy and evil!"
    "You're a pretty-boy with emo hair! How is that even remotely attractive?"
    "Look, just go along with it. Get on the rack, we run through the motions, and..."
    "No! You're evil, why should I sleep with the evil character?"
    "Because I'm sexy!"
    "Maybe to adolescent fan girls."
    "Who do you think is reading this stuff?"
    "Look goth boy, the answer is no."
    "Then I'll have to force you. In fact, I think I'm supposed to anyways."
\    "I am a progressive feminist woman! I have no sexuality! Sex is just submission to men like you!"
    "That's the point!"
    "Look, Voldendork, would you mind if we at least went and got some coffee first?"
    "Well, I could use an espresso..."
    While the Dark Lord was distracted, Jasmalonia drew her sword. "Take that!" She lunged at him.
    "Holy shit!" Lord Voldengöth grabbed his helmet and put in back on. He blocked her attack with his mace. "Very well then, mortal! You must die!"
    "Not if you do first!" She grabbed the orb off its stand.
    "Noooo!" cried Lord Voldengöth.
    "Prepare to die, pseudo-gothic pretty-boy scum!" She prepared to drop the orb, which was glowing blindingly and emitting a malicious groaning.
    "Hold on there!" Haglin appeared in a puff of smoke and waved his wizard-stick.

    As she regained consciousness, Jasmalonia realized she was chained to the standing rack in Lord Voldengöth's torture chamber. The Dark Lord had his back turned to her as he selected an implement from his wall of whips.
    "What the..."
    "Hey, I had to do something, miss 'progressive feminist woman'," said Haglin.
    "Wha... how dare you! I was about to defeat him!"
    "Look, only the male hero can kill the villain. That's just how it is."
    "But I'm obviously a better figher than Tobias! Where is he, anyway?"
    "He's off rescuing Buttercup, who is at the moment chained naked to a rock in Myrmadon's lair."
    "But...but..."
    "Well, have fun! Don't worry, the flogging feels good after a while." Haglin dissappeared again.
    "Damn it!" Jasmalonia rolled her eyes. "This is SO not happening." The Dark Lord turned back around to face her, holding a rather tame-looking black leather flogger.
    "Now where we we, pet?"

    The following scene has been graciously omitted by the author due to explicit sexuality and violence.

    During the scene in the Dark Lord's torture chamber, Gwelfgwin sat in the lobby, thumbing through a copy of Evil Weaponry Today. Haglin appeared in a puff of smoke.
    "Quickly! We must make haste to Myrmadon's lair for the final showdown against Lord Voldengöth!"
    "I thought Tobias was supposed to do that on his own?"
    "No, he's supposed to defeat Myrmadon on his own, and he's almost done. We're all supposed to reunite in Myrmadon's lair after he's slain to help Tobias vanquish the Dark Lord."
    "Finally. The receptionist wouldn't let me upstairs."
    "There's a reason for that. Jasmalonia... well let's just say the two of them got along... decently."
    "Wait, what?"
    "Anyways, we must make haste! Take my hand, and we shall transport ourselves upstairs to fetch Jasmalonia! I think they're finished up there."
    Gwelfgwin did as Haglin said, and they found themselves in the Lord Voldengöth's chamber. Jasmalonia was sitting at the Dark Lord's desk, wearing a black silk robe and drinking a flagon of coffee.
    "Jasmalonia! Thank you for keeping him distracted," said Haglin.
    "Are you okay?" asked Gwelfgwin. Jasmalonia looked up.
    "Well, I have splitting headache and I'm covered in welts. Yeah, I'm just peachy."
    "Excellent!" said Haglin. "Now,  both of you, grab my hands, we mustn't tarry. Tobias is about to slay Myrmadon!"
    Jasmalonia stood up. "You know, I'm really not in the mood to go..."
    Haglin grabbed her hand and Gwelfgwin's.

    The next thing they knew, our heroes found themselves on a peak overlooking a pool of simmering lava. They heard a piercing scream, and looked up to see Buttercup chained to a rock, her waist-length blonde hair covering her. Her scream was followed by a reptilian screech; Myrmadon swooped down from above, his crimson scales reflecting the glow from the lava.
    "Prepare for your DOOM,  dragon!" Tobias followed the dragon on the back of a black flying unicorn, brandishing Fanglin.
    "Where'd he get a unicorn?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "He got it in the Dungeon of Peril by surviving the temptations of the River Maidens."
    "I'm surprised that oaf got through," said Jasmalonia.
    "He was too thickheaded to realize that they were hitting on him," explained Gwelfgwin. "Besides, his gargantuan ego has superceded his libido."
    "How do you know that?" asked Jasmalonia.
    "One of the guard goblins was talking about it in the waiting room," said Gwelfgwin.
    "Ah."
    "So, what do we do now?" Gwelfgwin asked Haglin.
    "Just watch." And so they did.
    Tobias and his unicorn swooped at Myrmadon, nimbly dodging his flaming breath. Tobias thrust Fanglin into the dragon's heart. Myrmadon emitted an ear-shattering screech as the blade pierced his armor. As he bled, he lost his ability to stay aloft, and tumbled into the lava.
    Tobias unchained Buttercup, and they landed the unicorn on the ledge, joining the others.
    "My hero!" exclaimed Buttercup, hugging him. Jasmalonia handed Buttercup her black robe.
    "So, I guess now we're supposed to defeat Lord Voldengöth, right?" Right on cue, a maniacal laugh was heard as Lord Voldengöth swooped down on his bat-lizard. "Wow, never would have seen that coming," muttered Gwelfgwin.
    "BUAhahahahahaha!" laughed the Dark Lord. "Now you shall feel my wrath!" He waved his mace menacingly.
    "Just so you know, that mace is totally compensating for something," Jasmalonia muttered to Buttercup.
    "Compensating for what?"
    Jasmalonia rolled her eyes. "Never mind, miss innocent, you wouldn't get it."
    Tobias held Fanglin on high. "I shall defeat you, oh dark lord!"
    "Never! You and your girly unicorn are no match for the Dark Lord Voldengöth and his bat-lizard!" The bat-lizard hissed.
    "Girly! Unicorns are NOT girly!" exclaimed Tobias. He jumped onto the unicorn's back and took off into the air.
    "The time has come for battle!" yelled Haglin. He grabbed his wizard-stick and shot lightning bolts at Lord Voldengöth as Tobias chased after him on his unicorn. One of Haglin's lightning bolts hit the bat-lizard square in the chest, causing it to hiss and spiral downward toward the lava. Lord Voldengöth managed to jump off of it and land on the ledge, a task made difficult by his cumbersome armor. Tobias swooped down, swiping at the Dark Lord, who deflected the blow with his mace. Haglin shot a lightning bolt at Lord Voldengöth, causing him to fall to the ground. Jasmalonia ripped open the bag that he was carrying, removing the orb that held his soul.
    "What do I do with this?" she asked Haglin.
    "Give it to Tobias to throw into the fire."
    "Why can't I do it?"
    "Haven't we had this discussion."
    "Fine." Tobias landed and Jasmalonia handed him the orb.
    "He's going to explode after you destroy his soul," said Haglin. "I'll teleport Gwelfgwin and Jasmalonia outside, but you will have to make a daring escape." He grabbed the two and they dissappeared.
    Tobias threw the orb up into the air; it fell in slow motion toward the lava.
    "Nooooooooooooo!" yelled Lord Voldengöth, extending his hand toward the orb as it fell. Tobias jumped onto his unicorn and kicked its sides hard. It whinnied and took off.

    Outside the Dungeon, the other three heroes heard a deafening roar as Lord Voldengöth exploded in a firey blast. Seconds later, Tobias and his unicorn emerged triumphantly from the entrance to the cave. They landed, and Tobias hopped down, patting his unicorn's head. Other than being covered in sweat and having a few minor scrapes, he was unscathed.
    No one said anything.
    "This is the part where we cheer!" said Tobias.
    "Oh, right," said Jasmalonia.
    "Huzzah!" they all cried. Buttercup and Tobias embraced.
    "I have something to tell you," she said. "I'm not really a thief."
    "Gasp!" vocalized Haglin.
    "I'm really... a princess!" She reached underneath the robe and pulled out her necklace. "This is the royal seal," she said, pointing at her gold pendant."
    Tobias knelt. "Will you marry me, fair lady?"
    "Yes!" Buttercup exclaimed. They embraced again.
    "The wedding shall take place tomorrow's eve!" Tobias declared.
    "Huzzah!" said Jasmalonia.
    "So, uh... are we done here?" asked Gwelfgwin.
    "Yes," said Haglin. "We must divide Myrmadon's treasure, and then we can part."
    "Give me my gold, and I'm out of here," said Gwelfgwin.
    "Aren't you going to stay for the wedding?" asked Jasmalonia.
    "What, and watch a couple brainless cliches tie the knot? No thank you. I'm going back to the Elvenwood."
    "So, should we call you if we go on another adventure?"
    "No way," said Gwelfgwin.

    And so our heroes lived out the rest of their days in peace and prosperity. Tobias and Buttercup married, moved into a spacious castle in the suburbs, and started a family. Tobias eventually became a bald, middle-aged fan of gladiatorial fights with a belly from drinking too much mead. Buttercup lost her figure after having kids and developed a penchant for sweatsuits and sensible shoes. Jasmalonia continued to have adventures and found love at last with a fellow warrior she met at a support group for progressive female warrior characters. Gwelfgwin became a renowed cynic, living alone in a cottage in the Elvenwood and shaking his fist at children who wandered onto his property. Haglin, being a wizard and immortal, continued filling the role of Wise Old Wizard Mentor to young adventurers and groups of adventurers.

And They All Lived Mediocrely Ever After.

The End [finally]Type your cut contents here.


Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: The Cure, "Just Like Heaven"
Powered by LiveJournal.com